Monday, June 3, 2013

A long time since my last post

My wife really likes this blog. I think she likes that I write it more than I liked that I write it. I have not had the energy to write on here in a long time- and I felt like I didn't have any thing to say. Well tonight I have something to say- or at least I need to share. You will have to excuse the rambling nature of this post. I just have a lot to get out of my system.

I didn't really want to have another child- for a long time that was my opinion. I thought we had been through enough as parents and I just saw no reason to risk another loss when we had what we wanted- a child at home. My wife never saw it that way. She wanted more at home, and to her the family does not feel complete. It was a source of stress in our marriage for awhile. Until one day I saw my son playing with my niece and knew I was robbing him of a sibling here on earth just because of my fear. So I put my fear away and told my wife I was ready to try. Well at least I thought I put the fear away.

We have started to try again. I wanted to get a natural cycle of trying, but I didn't really get a try at that. I didn't make it clear enough that I really wanted that, and my wife never bought into it thinking it was a waste of time. As it turns out it would not have been a waste of time- my wife had a "normal" cycle (what ever that means) and we really could have gotten pregnant without treatments. I feel like we threw away our chance at normal.

So we said we would monitor while using no meds to see if we were going to get a chance at normal again- and no luck. So we started Femara- no luck... and right into injectables again. I am afraid of injectables, after all our track record with them is not great. First time conceiving with them we got 4, second time we got 2. We really only want 1. We can't easily afford 2 more, and I think from a stress point of view 2 more would be very bad for us. But onward we went.

I think we controlled this cycle a bit better than in the past. I really think we triggered with only 1 likely egg. This time if we get more than 1 it will have to be an egg that split- which is possible.

The IUI's did not go as planned. I have recently lost a significant amount of weight, and this change has made things different for me. Specifically it takes me much longer to "produce a sample" than it used to. So on the first day of the IUI I ended up giving myself a nice rub burn on well myself. The second IUI on the next day was pure pain. I could not even with eventual help from my wife produce another sample. We even cheated and used lubrication. After nearly 2 hours of trying, and 2 hours of pain I had to quit. We tried timed intercourse later that day and I just could not do it.

I think I understand a part of my wife who blamed herself during the infertility, and blamed herself after the losses. I would tell her over and over again that she could not control what her body did so it is not her fault. I could never understand why she put the blame on herself. But that day I understood. I can't even say now that I don't blame myself for the failed IUI attempt. I don't know why it happened- but it did, and it was me that failed.

So now we are in our 2 week wait. Or the 2WW as all the infertility blogs like to put it. My wife tested out her trigger shot, and recorded each one with a number in front of DPO. It took me forever to figure out that was days past ovulation. I should have just asked. Every day since the failed IUI has been horrible for me.

It is not just the waiting to find out if it worked. It is not just the feeling of failure and waiting for confirmation of that failure. Every night I have nightmares about the death of my wife, my son who is here, and the child we conceived. Every single night all 3 of them die in some way. Some times together, most of the time in separate dreams. Plus I get to think about all day how if this comes back negative, and we have to go through treatments again it will be all my fault. It is not about the money- but then again it is about money. It is also about how shitty it is to go through infertility. The appointments, the roller coaster. The anticipation, the possible let downs. I hate infertility and I hate that we are going through it again. My wife's blog spells a lot of this out better than I can here.

How do I get through this. We find out on Thursday if we are pregnant. Well that is not entirely true, we are still testing every day so we could find out tomorrow if we are pregnant. I think the test this morning said we are, but it is too faint to really believe it. But if we are pregnant how do I get the night mares to stop? How do I put away the fear like I thought I had done. At some point this is going to effect my health in a very negative way. If we are not pregnant how can I go through this all again?

Well I guess thanks for sticking with me to the end of this blog. If anyone has some advice on how to deal with the fear I would love to hear it below in the comments. If you want to catch up on what I have been doing while not writing this blog feel free to check out my other blog all about my journey on weight loss. I have a feeling I will be writing here a bit more often as I have things to get off my chest, and things to say again about loss, and being the type of father I want to be with the crazy path the fatherhood I have had.


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