Thursday, June 6, 2013

Feeling like a bad dad

So we are pregnant, but as per our normal- not in a normal way. My wife's HCG Beta came back at just 22.5. This is 14 days post ovulation. That is way lower than we expected, and way lower than the other pregnancies even after you adjust them to line up with just one. It might mean any number of things or it might mean nothing. Here is what we posted on facebook as a family.

The Powvens Family is once again pregnant. While this is normally a happy event with our past it is also scary, and would be, for any family who has gone through a loss, let alone multiple losses like we have. On top of that, we could use some support. While we have a positive home pregnancy test, the confirming blood test came back quite a bit lower than normal. This could mean an ectopic pregnancy, a chemical pregnancy or a, hopefully, normal pregnancy. Please keep our family in your thoughts as we take each day as it comes. We will have a follow-up blood test on Monday to see how things are progressing and will hopefully know more.

Now along with the fears I had before I get to add the new one. We have had a 2nd trimester loss, a early loss of heartbeat with no bleeding, a early miscarriage that we thought was going to take the other twin. Now I feel like we are going to get a chemical pregnancy, or a ectopic pregnancy. I mean why shouldn't we go through all the forms of loss we can? What made us special enough to have to go through losses in every pregnancy we have had so far- why should this pregnancy be any different? I hate having these thoughts.

So why the title of this blog? Well I feel like a bad dad. I hate infertility, I hate trying to get pregnant having to use medical staff. I hate the stress that comes with the watching eggs grow but only wanting one, I hate the IUI process and knowing I don't even need to be in the room to get my wife pregnant, and I hate all of the waiting and hoping and having to know too much about this.

I hate being pregnant. I hate the constant fear that the shoe is going to drop. The constant fear that the next bathroom trip for my wife is going to bring the news of bleeding. I hate the waiting between appointments and not being able to know my child is still growing and healthy. The fear before each appointment wonder if this is the appointment when we will get the bad news that everything has gone wrong.

All of these thoughts make me feel like a bad dad. Trying to get pregnant, and pregnancies should not be described by the words hate. And maybe the crap today pushed me over the top. What ever the reasons for the feelings I can't shake them- and they make me feel like a horrible dad. And I hate that feeling.

Thanks for reading and sorry for all the negativity. I try to stay positive but it is just hard when it feels like the world is crapping on you. I'll update when we have news on Monday. Any advice or stories similar to ours that turned out good would be great to hear. Feel free to leave a comment.


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