Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Like a Firefly

We are no longer pregnant. After the blood test on Thursday we feared for the worst. We continued at home testing Friday and saw the line not getting darker, and on Saturday the test barely showed that it was positive. Spotting started at some point on Saturday or Sunday for my wife. I can't honestly remember what day it was. Nor is it important.

I am thankful for the test on Saturday. While it was not the news we wanted, it was definitive news. We didn't have to look at a line and guess if it was getting darker or lighter- it was just negative. Some of the worst parts of infertility is the guessing game. The getting hopes up just to be let down. Well on Saturday we got our let down, and didn't have to spend 2 more days of hoping. Didn't have two more days of ambiguity. We just got to know.

So how do we treat this pregnancy? We both connected to the pregnancy when we had the positive test on Wednesday morning. We both stayed connected Thursday morning when the test was positive again. Then Thursday late morning when we got the blood test results we both started to disconnect. That disconnect is the only way to protect yourself.

This pregnancy was like a firefly. You only see them at night and you only see them for a few short seconds. When you see them it is a brief flash. This was our firefly pregnancy. It was more than a failed cycle, but somehow less than a pregnancy loss. Our firefly.


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